Why has Santa always been a kind old man. Enough of his authoritarian control of Christmas! He sits up there on his throne at the North Pole (we assume it’s a throne, although he may just sit in an armchair or something), looking down on all of us, judging whether we’re naughty or nice, it’s outrageous. And the way he treats those elves? Working day and night to make Christmas happen? When was the last time OSHA inspected that workplace? Let alone the conditions for those reindeer, penned up for 364 days out of the year. For shame, Santa! The people have spoken. We demand a change in leadership. The Council of Santas (which should totally be a real thing) has convened to elect a new Santa, some young blood who will really shake things up and modernize the operation.That’s where your child comes in! Congratulations, for being such a nice kid, with very little naughtiness on the official record, your child has been elected as the new Santa. We’re promised great reforms, a new naughty/nice list (we may want some antics from our past expunged from the record), and better conditions for the reindeer (especially urgent: Rudolph needs to see a doctor. Why on earth is his nose bright red?!). Oh, also your child has to move to the North Pole. And the elves are trying to unionize. On the up side, Santa’s sleigh is pretty fast so your kid can still come home for dinner every night. They don’t get cable up there either so don’t be surprised if Santa is constantly in your living room in his red suit and beard. Also, have him work on his “Ho ho ho!”. Presentation is a big part of the job. Congratulations, Santa! We know you’ll make us proud!